It’s been 2 weeks, and some things have happened.
I gave birth. A beautiful baby girl was born.
Are you ready to read up on my last 2 weeks?
Here we go…..
Wednesday October 16th , we get a call, to go to the hospital, for potential induction. Foley bulb. I have never had one. But my cervix has been shut down and locked up tighter than a drum and was in no mood to let a baby out. Even though I was over due.
Officially 41 weeks. Which sure, is still normal. But when its not your baby, you just kinda wanna give the kiddo over to their parents after a certain amount of time. #Truth.
So off we go. The call comes in early evening. ( I was so ready to get in my PJS and call it a night. ) I get hooked up to the stress test again, Baby is active of hell. not shocking at all. I have a cervix check…. Doctor says I’m too high, hard and tight, a Foley would never even be able to be inserted.
SO . Now we have to talk options. my stress level goes up.
My last journey, I did not make it even to 1cm. My water did break, but yet again, dilation was not happening AT ALL. So it was a C-section for safety of baby. This was something I wanted to avoid. The rush of a C-section. I rather things be calm, compared to emergency situation. No thanks.
SO, I was told I would no doubt be given oxytocin. Which , with being a VBAC attempt, doubles my changes of uterine rupture. Ah….no thank you . I know the risk still has a lower rate, but lets be real, I do not have the BEST track record for my body wanting to exit babies. I do not need to do anything to create more stress on my body or this baby.
This worries me. I feel pressured. My Doula comes. Thank GAWD for this women. She is the most calmest person. She just lays things out on the line. She helps me choose. Knowing my past birthing experience. She just let me talk out loud. To hear my self say what I think I already knew. Which I am grateful for. She knows how to direct people. I choose planned C-section. We are IVF, we are over due and my body is not ready to exit this baby at all. I did not want to jump start my body and have complications come from this. This was my safest choice and I have come to terms with this.
So we plan for a planned C-section. For Friday October 18th. Because I do not see much changing, and my body is really good at baking the babies, I just suck at releasing them apparently .
Guys. That is MY birthday. I will be 41 weeks 2 days when baby arrives earth side.
Turning the big 38!
So fast forward to the early hours of the 18th. OF COURSE contractions start. from 2-6am. about 7 min apart. Then they of course go completely all over the place when we arrive at the hospital. So I get all the low down on meeting everyone, waiting, I am first in line. Had to show up at 6 :30am.
Got into the room a little bit after 8am.
Spinal’s. how weird are they?! You have 30 seconds to turn around , lay down and get into position on the table before all feeling goes out the window. lol SO of course, the last feeling in my legs is bent, so the WHOLE surgery, I felt like my legs were bent. STRANGEST EVER.
So the surgery went a little longer than planned. (excess Scarring from last surgery) Baby was born at 9:31 AM
Guys… she was in hurry to help her self out of my belly. My Doula video taped the birth on her cell, and you can hear a nurse saying ” omg she is jumping out ”
I have been saying she was gonna jump out. I did not think she would literally do this. HA
So on top of me now officially sharing my birthday with a surrogate baby… I know… how amazing is that?!
This little girl was not so little. She is officially the biggest baby I have carried. I am not sure how she was SO active in my belly…. but she was 8.9 lbs and 55 cm long! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! She was grooving in my belly like she had ALL THE SPACE. But the reality is, there is no way she did!
Before I was closed up, the surgeon peeks over the tarp. ( Oh by the way , I totally got to watch her be born, they let me watch! AMAZING!!! ) she goes ” ah, I would advise no more babies, unless for yourself. There was a lot of scaring”
Ummm…. lets over analyze this comment.
What the hell does that mean? ” unless for yourself” Like is that a dig at surrogacy? Is that for ” put your life a little more at risk only for your own children” ? I am not even sure how to process that info, while I was STILL open on the table. How about we wait to drop a bomb like that on a surrogate when , oh I dunno…. when she is not on a table still waiting to be closed up?!
I am little flustered by that. I still have not even processed that. I even spoke to my midwife about it and she heard it to, and was not sure how to process it. SO… I am not even sure what this means for my future…. ZERO idea. But I know I will have to process it eventually.
Also they ask you when they are done if it’s ok to stick pills up your pooper. Such a weird thing to be asked. Who says no? I can’t feel it, but you know, sorry for the hot mess of not taking care of myself for the last 3 months because … I have not seen my back side or my lady bits in months. If I can not see it, it does not exist. Sorry.
Then …….yellow coloured stuff comes outta your pooper 2 days later. FUN.
I told my doula that I wanted to save my placenta.
not really . I am not eating it! ( but you know , if you do that kinda thing… that’s cool…. you do you. lol ) But I wanted to save it to make a placenta print like my first journey. It looks like a tree when you do this. It’s kinda pretty. And no its not a blood print! it’s done with ink. So my Doula tells them ” she wants to save her placenta. Not to eat though. She wants you to know she does not want to eat it “ Amazing. lol
Look how long the cord is?! and the clamp is still on it!
Also, I checked my incision. Not bad for 4 days PP . I was super nervous to look at this is section #2. I had no idea what to expect.
Fast forward to finally getting out of the OR. I guess there was a code called while I was in the OR, and it freaked everyone out. Bad timing! Though this time, my blood pressure dropped and I wanted so bad to vomit! I was dry heaving. But once again, my Doula comes to my rescue, and with her calm-ass-self, tells me to breath, deep slow breaths… I finally felt like I was coming back to reality. What a shitty feeling. with your arms strapped out to a board, trying to vomit, while barely holding onto consciousness. NOPE. Yes I felt this was a safer option, but you ARE still going through major surgery. Any surgery is scary. So That is sitting in the front of my mind the entire time.
I got the privilege of hanging out with baby for a bit, till I was put back together and brought back to the recovery room. The dad’s waited for me. So I could give them their little girl.
This means the world to me as a surrogate. The whole point to this journey, my last journey , is to hand their baby BACK to them. For them to meet their baby for the first time. To be a part of such a remarkable moment. A C-section kinda puts a damper on that. SO allowing me to keep her with me, for an extra 40 min – 1 hour knowing she is born, and still waiting…. means the world to me.
That moment watching them come in, and the pool of emotions that were left all over that room. Watching parents meet their baby for the first time, is breath taking. The instant love you get to witness, yet still having to tell them to pick their daughter up! HA I had the same thing happen with journey 1. I had to tell them to pick up their baby. Makes me smile thinking about it. Watching them look down at this fresh little face . A million emotions flow through their body. The thank you’s, kisses, hugs… they are always SO grateful to have you get them to this moment.
This. IS. The moment.
They waited till I had my room. This was a few hours at best. They were discharged long before I even had a room . This was amazing too. To share the first few hours with them. Its special.
They finally got their things ready, and were heading “home”. I was gearing up for 2 nights in hosptial. I knew what I was in for. I have been here before. HA
So a few things :
- blood thinner needle. UMMMMM so they BURN. Thhey stab you in the back of the arm. then POOF fire in your arm! Did not like that. x2. I was not moving as fast as i was last time, and this helps with clotting. ( that’s a fun thought to go to sleep to. )
- The first pee. After they remove your bladder bag. I actually have to think about it . My bladder takes a while to come back. I am still not fully aware of having to GO pee. NO I am not walking around pissing my self…. lol Just, i get crampy when I have a full bladder. This happened last time too. Took a few weeks for things to settle back to where they need to be.
My kiddo was so disgusted by me peeing in a bag. I feel like he will forever look at me with a little respect lost now. LMAO
- Gas bubble. OH HAVE MERCY. After c-section… they are like little bombs moving around your insides, wanting to explode, but they don’t. they are just there to cause pain.
- day 2 I had no heat in my room. Do you think anyone fixed it ? BHAHAHAH… no.
- Oh and those fancy strong meds they give you after surgery so you can,…. function… I did not get. The night staff just gave me my own meds ( regular Tylenol and Advil and stool softeners) They come in with iron pills. I guess I cant be trusted with THOSE. When I was asked how my pain was I go :
” Im actually really sore… more sore than I feel like I should be”
Nurse ” your doing fine”
Ummm I did not realize we heal from compliments now. Thanks. But no thanks. So I thought maybe I was being a whiner. Maybe this is normal…. Till the discharge doctor comes in the next morning. Asking why I have not been given my hydromorphone pill to help manage the pain…
AH WHAT THE HELL. I KNEW IT! ( flips table. … ok in my MIND I flipped a table….._) I have been sitting here, in pain, trying to suck it up and I was supposed to be on the good meds at night?! Well I feel robed . The Doctor did not look impressed I was dealing with a C-section recovery on regular Tylenol alone after only 24 hours. She gave 5 of the good pills to go home with. Cause .. you know .. they are addictive.
So I Finally get home. Thanks to my Aunt and her beau. ❤ Though she looked mortified that they do not give you a wheel chair. You walk your own ass out of the hospital on floor 5. Once you are discharged its : BYYYEEEEEEEE FELICIA.
This healing process seems to be going slower than my last go. Maybe it was longer surgery time, maybe because now I am 38 years old, who knows. Our bodies are amazing and a mystery.
But I got out and voted on day 3 of being PP! I felt pretty good about that. Thank goodness there was ZERO lines. I looked like a puffy hot mess. But … whatever. It needed to be done.
Day 4. Lets talk Shit.
FMl. That first shit. BRUTAL.
Hard little asshole bunny nuggets. My asshole cramped up tighter than my grandmothers lips…. but it happened. And here you are reading about it. You are welcome.
” The first shit is the hardest, baby I KNOW, the first poop is the smallest “ That’s all I think of. Sherly Crow. Oh that’s not how the song goes ? by bad.
Stool softeners, extra strength ex lax and an enema.
I pooped the next day. My arse is , at this point . ON FIRE. You can now likely fit a shoe up my ass for the size of shit that just came forcefully out of me. In a violent way. But its done. And it was worse than any child birth experience I have ever had in my life. I have finger bruise marks on my legs for holding on to dear life. Not even making that up.
No one can prep you for the first bowl movement . EVER . Its like you are re-training your insides to … do what they need to do but they are lazy AF. I will Likely have nightmares about this 20 years from now.
So my kid wanted to see the birth video. but ” nothing gross”
I told him , there was nothing really gross to see. So, he watched it. He is super curious. What does he take from the entire video of a baby being pulled from my belly?
why the length of the cord of course. Because in his 9 yr old brain, all he thinks he sees is the LONGEST PENIS EVER . That’s right. My kid thought her cord, was her penis.
Only my kid. This is what happens when you raise a diverse kiddo apparently. He was not fazed that she might have a penis.. no no… it was the LENGHTH of the penis that got his attention. LMAO
So I dunno what you do when you heal from a C-Section, but at 10 days pp I like to fall down the stairs and bust my foot up. Yup. Because healing from major surgery is not enough …. I like to really test my sanity. Now .. here I am with a damn air boot. FML.
Those little lines in my baby toe area, are breaks in my bone. So it kinda hurts. and now I have this gawd awful grey boot. AWESOME.
My boot had to be covered for Halloween night because here… torrential down pour was taking place outside. Can’t get KAREN wet.
Yes. The boot has a name. and it’s KAREN. FUCKING KAREN. ( sorry to everyone named Karen)
I have been pumping away for baby while she is here. every 3 hours or so.
This is me a few days after getting home. There is nothing glowing about the after effects of surrogacy. Depends. Breast Pump. Puffy … everything. Not showered. Pain meds. It’s real. It’s raw. It can be shitty.
So here were are. 2 weeks later.
That new little family . Doing Amazing. She is beautiful and I apparently make babies for everyone else who just sleep like rocks. They leave to go home soon. Which will be a very emotional time for me. Once they leave, it beings a new chapter in life for me. One that leaves me a little lost , hormonal and not feeling like I fully belong. Its a weird feeling. Leaving the ” I’m a surrogate” role to going back to my every day routine . A piece of me goes missing and I have to rediscover myself. That will be a story I will write later. It will be messy for sure. So stay tuned. It will likely come within the next week or so. For some, surrogates jump back into another journey, or close the chapter for good and are 100% ok. They knew going into this, it was a one and done experience. For me… I was hoping for 1 more go at it. I will wait this process out for a while. ( I am talking well over a year ) And go from there after asking for an extensive check on my insides. For my own well being. My safety comes first . But the emotions that come after you create a family for someone else, and you spend a few weeks with them, loving on them as a whole, and then they leave …. leaves you feeling a little empty while hormones rage on. It takes a minute to adjust those emotions and having no one around you … understand. Thank goodness for friends who are surrogates who just get it. Thank goodness for surrogated who live in other provinces who you can just vent to …. and they get it. Thank goodness for a community of women who are amazing . But like I said, the messy story will come in a few weeks. Because you can not know just all the unicorn stages of surrogacy. You have to know the real raw stuff too. The stuff that makes us strong can just as easily break us. And that’s ok too. Because its reality. And I would not change a second of it.
Everything about it is beautiful. My journeys have been an experience I will cherish for the rest of my life.
Till next time,
Thanks for reading and sharing