It’s not always rainbows

 

Lets sit down and talk the side of surrogacy not everyone sees.

You know this side if you have a close friend, a fellow surrogate or have been one yourself. You have seen the raw emotions. The hard side of things. So I want to address these. Why? I am not here to scare you away from thinking of being a surrogate. I want you to know there is every emotion involved. It’s what makes surrogates strong women. Well, only one part of it. They have a laundry list of reasons, for why they are AH-Mazing.

This is the side everyone asks me about.

This is the side that some want to ask, but don’t know how to ask.

So i am just going to put it out there. So if you ever wanted to know ,but was not sure how to bring it up… here is your out. I’ll just give it to you straight.

” Was it hard to give the baby away?”

Oh my dear reader. No. Not at all. This was the moment I was waiting for! I just made a damn good beautiful family possible! I just made someones dream a reality! I nailed this journey like it was MY JOB! I rocked it. We rocked it. Mission complete. 

“How are you feeling now that they left and went home? “

FFS. I hate this question. 

I took a deep breath every time someone asked me this. Especially when it came within the first week of it happening. My hormones were flying around like they were 13 again, not knowing if I was coming or going.

The breath was for me to take a split second to try to stop the tears from falling from my face. And if I am going to be 100% honest. You don’t wanna see me cry. I’m that ugly crier. Nothing sweet about it. I don’t wanna be ugly crying in public, or at the friend im kinda just acquaintances with… we have not crossed that bridge yet.. now my close friends ..that’s different. Hell, i don’t care what they think. Once you are in my circle, all emotions are on the table.

So this is what you came here for.

How do you THINK I am feeling?!

Dude… I just carried a baby for 9 months. I fell in love with the parents before I even met their baby. I created this bond, that most will never understand, or begin to understand. I just gave birth to this magical human being, that I am now god-mother to. (#BOOM ) I spend everyday for 3 weeks with them while they were here in my town, Christmas, dinners, teas, baby snuggles. I pumped for this sweet child for 3 weeks so she got the my milky goodness.

We became a family. Not just me. My husband. My family. They are now family. No questions asked.

So damn right when I held her that last morning,  I cried like a baby. Tears everywhere. Emotions all over the place. Ugh. It SUCKED! I knew this day was coming. It had to come. I was so excited for  them to get home and finally introduce her to their families. But a part of me wished we lived closer. That I could just call over and stop in for a tea. That will never happen. I have to watch her grow up through photos and videos. And don’t get me wrong, I am hell-a grateful that I have this. But it still sucks.

It was not that i was saying goodbye to her. I was saying bye to THEM.  The 3 of them have a part of my heart now.  The tears, The I love you’s, … walking out their door.

OH. MY. GAWD.  Let me ugly cry. 

Now i teared up the whole way home. I walked into my room. Took the letter out of my purse they wrote me. ( omg ugly cry for another 20 minutes. I could barely read it. I could not SEE through my tears!)  Then start a hot shower, cry for another 20 minutes.

Look in the mirror. Oh yea . There it is. Red blotchy you have been crying face. Ugh. Stupid.

7 days. 

I shut myself off from the world. Sat on my couch. Cried when no one was around. That my was self-care. Seriously. It was my best medicine. I just needed to get it out. And I did.

7 days of crying for no reason at all. This was not just hormones. This was ” how the hell do I function without them? With out her?

Oh wait a minute. I have a kid to take care of .A job to get back to. I have a family to clean up after . ( true story lol ) I have a body that needs me to focus on it. I have a heart that will heal. And I have a soul that is bursting to want to help another family become whole.

Once you are done your journey… you come into this weird, who am I phase.

I am not pregnant anymore.

I am not a surrogate anymore.

I am just me. But WHO is that now?

I had to almost rediscover myself.  Sounds weird right? Not really. How many of you have children of your own, and you had to find your way back to YOU?  remind yourself you are more than a mom. You are your own person. The same kinda deal.

So what did that mean for me?

Focusing on me. I needed to learn to love my body again. I am still learning to love my body. Baby weight is a bitch to get off. You have to work extra hard.

I also got to the stage where I could say ” it hurts. But that feeling passes. It would be weird not to feel sad when you watch them leave! Its like watching family move to another country… you don’t know when your gonna see them again!”

Because at the end of the day. Thats true. They are my family.

So if you are a surrogate, about to give birth… just given birth and reading this :

I get it. That messy stage you are  in. Or about to walk into.  Its normal. Its real. Its raw. It sucks. You do you. If that means crying in the shower.. take as long as you need.  If it means calling your best friend and just crying on the phone… do it. picking up the phone and asking someone to just … be there. Don’t hesitate. You do what your heart and soul need. CAuse now … it’s all about you. 

If you are a family member or friend reading this and you know someone who is a surrogate… my words of advice :

Just show up. Don’t ask questions. Just. Show. Up. Hug them. Bring wine. Bring chocolate. Tell them they are amazing. When they are ready to talk. They will. Tell them whatever they feel this very moment, is validated. Do it in person. Don’t do it behind a computer, or a phone. Be present for this.

Surrogates are real people.  We have hearts of gold. Souls that can’t give enough. Strong. Passionate. We also experience every emotion known to man in a short span of time after the birth of a surro babe. Its messy. But you bet your ass.. we will do it again in a heart beat. Because its soooo worth it.

to my circle that was there for me. Thank you.

To my fellow surro sisters who just .. get me. I would be lost without you. Even if we never meet in person. Just being there, sending messages, commenting. You were some of my best medicine.

And fellow surro sisters:

this emotional roller coaster ride you are on …….

This too shall pass. 

 

 

 

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