Let’s talk about the aftermath of childbirth.
Disclaimer: Please read this with a side of humor and a dash of sarcasm. Actually.. read ALL my posts like that. You will need too. 😉
No matter how you got your little one, or a ‘surro babe’ earth side, there seems to be some universal, post birth-Sh*t show side effects. Oh, I should warn you now … I look sweet on the outside, but I really like to drop the F-BOMB from time to time. I mean, I wont T Y P E out my choice words… but you will get the point. Come on….. I know you do too. We all have that moment where no other word will do. . . Gosh .. i hope you all have that moment. I have that moment at least a half a dozen times a day! anyways….
Ok, back to the real talk…
Universal, post birth-sh*t show side effects.
- The First POOP. What?! You want candid posts right?! Well… here you have it. Seriously… let’s be real… it’s the first 5 poops. ( I can’t talk to you if you did not have a pooping issue) My first OMG I NEED TO POOP moment .. fear. I almost cried. Where did my stomach muscles go?… oh right…. They don’t exist right now … How does one poop with no … help from the ol muscles? HELLO! There I am, in all my glory, butt off the seat, white knuckles… praying to the poop gods…. I’m sweating. Like legit… sweating. That was the longest minute of my LIFE. I made it. Thou I am pretty sure I ripped a stitch somewhere along the way… Tell me I am not the only one who wished for a liquid laxative in that moment… seriously.
2.FLABBY BELLY. This is me giving it a nice term. I have a few choice words for it. Seriously. After C-Section… I have this jiggily belly… and not just loose I mean… a part of it just wants to … hang out . I did not ask for it to hang out. I am not a fan of it hanging out. Its like … my insides don’t know what to do. They got shoved around a bit, and now they are giving me the old F-U to getting back to where they belong. Now … some tighten right up. I have convinced myself if this is you… you are in your 20s. DAMN YOU!!!! I mean, congratulations. But you see, I am not. I am … omg… *takes sip of wine* … in my mid 30’s. OMG that hurt to write. *takes another sip of wine* Seriously… If you tightened up after a c-section… I expect a detailed report left for all to see under this post. So CFC is kinda… well amazing. You see, they treat us surrogates like we are little angles. They send these sweet boxes. One is a PP box. You get this fabric, all wrapped up in twine. It’s for belly wrapping. I have never in my life, EVER heard of belly binding. I spent the next 30 minutes watching you-tube and ladies binding their bellies after babies. SO, I’m thinking.. it can’t hurt to try! Anything to get my guts and muscles and hips ( OMG why do my hips feel like they are off by an inch to where they should be when I walk?! lol ) So … clearly i have to photo document this moment. The moment i attempt to do what I just watched on-line. Did I do it correctly? No idea. But hey… it looks kinda cool…..
3. SKIN FREAK OUT. I had pregnancy glow. Like my skin was on top of the world. 3 weeks after little miss arrived.. I woke up and my face just flaked right off onto the counter. ahhhhh I want my glow back. I want my 20-year-old skin back! HOW DO I GET MY 20 YEAR OLD SKIN BACK?!? * takes another sip of wine* So I had to walk into the all so fancy Sophora. I dunno about you, but I always feel like I should not be walking in there. I don’t wear make up. Like.. I have never been taught.. so I feel like I just don’t belong in there. lol You walk in and these girls are …. beauty queens! And I mean this as a compliment. I WISH I knew what I was doing. I would be that person who wakes up and has a face on every day. Just cause I CAN! So I walk in… I go to the skin care section. Now … I have this friend, in another town who works at one of these fancy stores. They are super smart. They KNOW what they are talking about when you talk to one of consultants in the store. So I knew what line I wanted to head towards, just from talking to her a while ago. SO there I am. staring at them. Of course there is like 5 options to one line. DO I know what one I should pick? BHAAHHAH hard nope.
I must have looked like a deer in headlights. A very sweet face comes over. Her face matched her tone. Thank god. ” so I just had a baby.. and now my skin is losing its Sh*t.” ( seriously, I needed her to know how serious my skin issue was. ) I think my skin told her itself… I might have flaked on her. I walked out 10 minutes later. She hooked me up. And can I just add…. my face smells GOOD. If you know me, the next time you see me.. if you lean and give a sniff… i will know why. I will allow it. So .. this is what I am trying. My bank account cried a little.. but hey… anything to not flake on everyone right?
What is your go to for face cream?
4. Hair loss. Ok So I am not at this stage yet. But I know its coming. That moment where you are in the shower, getting your scrub on… and all of a sudden… your feet are covered in the hair that belongs ON TOP of your head. Panic attack. OMG’s. Pull some more out. Cry a little. Get of out shower… scared to brush your hair… Check for naked spots on your head. If not… PHEW. If so.. learn to comb it over and hide it. I’m waiting for this moment. * Takes sip of wine*
Ok. 4 is enough for now. I don’t wanna scare any potential surrogates off… forgetting all the glory of after birth if its been a few years since your last one. HA
Seriously. it’s all worth it. CLEARLY. I am going for round 2~ lol
*sips… damn it… I’m out of wine. *